An Old Post

I'd like to share my post from my other blog, ratmomma.blogspot.com, which I wrote in the middle of my spring break:

"Spring Break! Already half way over way too fast. I almost had no time to rest at all.

For spring break I went back home, which is a small town (306 people on the town sign) in rural Minnesota. Going back to see my brothers was so much fun. I missed them more than I could believe. My brothers are growing up so fast, which makes me think of how much it sucks to be the oldest.

Sure, maybe some of you think that being the oldest would be fun; parents give you more freedom and you earn privileges before your younger siblings. Okay, so that part wasn't that bad. I might even be the reason why my brothers will have very early curfews later in high school (my bad).

While some perks come with the job of being an older sibling (well, the oldest sibling), there is a lot of set backs, most of which I didn't realize until I left the nest for the "Forks". In middle school, I wasn't in sports most of the year, which made me the babysitter. When I started high school, my brothers took over as babysitters while I was away for sports and other extra curriculars. I ended up being so busy with school that, as my time in high school became shorter and shorter, I was becoming more and more distant from my family. It wasn't until I moved to Grand Forks that I felt totally separated from my family, because I was so far away.

Going back seemed to have opened an old wound that the busyness of my current life was holding shut. I didn't realize how much I missed my brothers until I went to see them again. It felt strange to see my brothers now, they've grown so much since I've seen them last. It's only been months, but it's seemed like years. I felt so out of place in my own family, it hurt just to be in my old house. I never realized how cold it was in the house until I went back. The heat was barely on, I had to wear two pairs of socks just to walk around. I felt like a visitor instead of a family member.

I broke this morning. I was laying in my old room (which now belongs to my younger brother, Kayden) and listened to the family as they got ready to leave the house for jobs and school. Before they left, my two youngest brothers came in the hugged me goodbye. My youngest brother, Jesse, said "I'll miss you Jana". I have a connection with Jesse. Jesse has an autism spectrum disorder, and I understand him pretty well. He's sometimes hard to understand, but he is one of the smartest kids I have ever met. He's socially deficient, but excels mentally. I broke down after my brothers left me in the room. They're growing up, and I'm a hundred miles away.

Shortly after that, my mom and Greg had a fight over milk. This kind of stuff happened all the time when I lived there, but I wasn't used to it anymore, so I broke down again. My mom came in and asked if I was okay, and I blamed my tears on a panic attack. It was a lie, I broke down because I felt like a stranger. Maybe it'll get better, who knows, maybe it'll never change. I used to belong here and now I'm an alien on the planet I used to thrive on. I don't know where I belong anymore. I hope that, as time goes on, I can find my place in the world, otherwise, I'll wander."